“And I watch my words from a long way off. They are more yours than mine. They climb on my old suffering like ivy. (…) Now I want them to say what I want to say to you, to make you hear as I want you to hear me. The wind of anguish still hauls on them as usual. Sometimes hurricanes of dreams still knock them over. You listen to other voices in my painful voice. Lament of old mouths, blood of old supplications. Love me, companion. Don’t forsake me. Follow me. Follow me, companion, on this wave of anguish. But my words become stained with your love. You occupy everything, you occupy everything.”—Pablo Neruda - So That You Will Hear Me (via heoro)
I wish I could give you a hug and to tell you it's going to be alright in the end , because if it's not alright, it's not the end (: Have a listen to "only exception" by paramore, i believe you'd find yourself in that song as I've once did. Be cautious babe, but not be cynical otherwise you just might strike out something that could have been beautiful. *BIG TIGHT VIRTUAL HUG*
<: You’re so sweet… Thank you. I’m trying to steer away from being cynical. Slowly. Baby steps, there’s no rush. Love can wait when i’ve got more things to settle before i find that i’ve set a definite path for myself to walk on.
Some things haven’t been up i guess. I ended a relationship. Found out my portfolio could have gotten me into a tier 1 university in USA. Found out the only university i didn’t apply to locally, was the one i had a direct contact to - i.e. could have gotten an interview and zoomed in as a student. Turned down the chance to study overseas (again) but this time in UK. Am still waiting for my application results for local universities. Am switching up my post-uni plans. All in foresight, i just hope the choices i made for the gamble i’m taking are the right ones. I think i’ll start to know it in a week or two. Fingers crossed.
Tried to be friends but that was a huge breaking point. Finally, a catalyst for me to say it’s honestly time to close that chapter and move on proper. Noone knows the real story that goes behind every relationship. I hope everything works out somehow. It really looks like it might, i daren’t even believe it. How could it? Good things don’t just fall into place like that. No, scratch that. This isn’t even close to good. This is breath-takingly, completely and utterly amazing. Whatever that i’ve always thought was great, or the best, or how nothing could top that… they all just fall flat in comparison to this. I’d never thought i’d find this. Ever. In my entire life, right from the very start. It’s only been awhile.
But you know that feeling you get when something is just…right? I’d always scoffed at that. There’s no such feeling as ‘it just felt right’. That’s a hopelessly romantic, delusional and irrationally naive thing that everyone wants and chases after, but never finds. I’ve turned into such a cynic over the years it used to scare me. I was ready to settle for just anyone who would love me. And i think i did just that. I was in love with the idea of being loved. That was the most important because all men are dicks, and maybe if i had someone who would never leave me…that was all i needed.
But apparently i’m wrong. And everything i’ve instilled in my head has pretty much been smashed, ripped apart at the seams to give me just one last glimmer of hope. It scares me. A lot. A missing piece of myself….? My better half. So fucking disgustingly cheesy, ridiculous, stupid and downright delusional isn’t it? But here i am now, and I don’t know if i’ve found it in you.
I guess time will tell. But i’m happier now. I think that’s all that matters at the moment. I’m doing something for myself, and not for anyone else.