OMFG I DIDN'T KNWO ITS A WEEK FORM NW?!??! I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY ARE COMING BACK NEXT SATURDAY THAT'S PRETTY FAST THAT'S LIKE A WEEK AND PLUS PLSU FROM NOW IM GSOOOOOO EXCIGTED!!!!!!!! RY I MISS YOU ALOT AND IGNEL AND EJ AND IM GOING TO FUCKING HUG AND SCREAM SO FRICKIN YLOUDD I MISS YAOU ALL TOO MCUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fell asleep way too early last night. Fatigue kicked in. My bed was amazing soft as compared to the hotel’s. My dad found me asleep with my Macbook and had to turn everything off for me.
Bangkok was AMAZING like we had tons of fun tons of exposure. It’s nice to get out and learn a little. One day i’ll find myself in third world countries staying in the villages and helping them build houses and stuff. Like, the only reason for me to change course and to go medical would be so i can fly over to those places to administer to the people who REALLY need help.
" He could make me do anything sometimes, just by looking at me in a certain way. Pretty much the way he was looking at me right now. Slowly, the smile I knew and dreaded crept across his face. "You love me," he said simply. "
" The heart wants what it wants. It forces us to act when reason dictates otherwise. It tears down walls, breaches boundaries and for better or worse, it leads us places that the head would never go. "
" I remember every word you said, okay? I'm not that naive, and I'm not that stupid. I've been broken before, I can deal. I'm not scared of moving on with my life. What I'm scared of is that I'll realize somewhere along the road, that you were my life. "
I don’t like knowing i can’t call you mine. Because you used to be, until you saw less of us working, and until we ended. I would be lying, if i said it didn’t hurt. It did and it still does. It’s not your fault, and i know you’re angry…Tired of some people thinking it is. Noone can say it’s anyone’s fault just to lose feelings. Some nights before i go to bed, i ask myself this. What part of me isn’t good enough? Because logically, if i was everything he wanted, wouldn’t we be still very much in love as we used to be?
So…which part of me put him off? Or was it something i did, or something i said, that could’ve led to this. I know that yeah…boys go through phases of growing up. Being fickle. Wanting freedom. I’ve seen it all around but i just never thought it’d happen to me. Just because i felt so…safe. Secure that we finally got it right and that i was the luckiest girl in the world to be able to have what i had.
Everything’s past tense. Sometimes i don’t believe what i type because i’m not used to it. People crack jokes to me halfway and stop because they realize we’re not together anymore. People refer to him as ‘my boyfriend’ still, even though they know we’ve broken up. Habit. It’s all habit. And i hate it so much…
Habits like how i babble nonsense or things that we did together before. Habits like how he’d treat me, or do things for me. Too many memories and too many things said, songs sung and words written. Each time, each and every time it stings.
We always came in a pair. Everyone. “Kit and Vans”. Honestly? Sometimes i wished i never started pickmeadaisy, i wished everyone never kept an eye on our relationship. I wished it’d never have gotten to his head and i wish we could be just…another couple.
I know we both don’t want it to continue in a fucking cycle. I know that’s what he’s afraid of. That he can’t commit right now, and that i’ll keep asking why. Why, if he loves me, doesn’t he want me. Or why he loves me less. It’s questions like these that i’ve learnt not to mouth out. And i know if we were to go into an open relationship, it’d be everything that everyone will be against.
I’m aware that we’d just be together, not serious, just a casual relationship. I’m aware i’m not in any position to expect…boyfriend-typical duties. I’m aware it’s pretty much being independant, but just having someone around to hold. And i’m certainly aware of the possibility of me using this in an attempt to hold on to something he may not want anymore. Whether it’s “not right now” or “in the end”, there’s still that possibility.
And what happens if in that casual relationship he finds someone else? Am i ready for that? Am i ready to lose all the expectations and security i once had and shut my ears to anyone telling me i could possibly be just a safety net?
I don’t know. I really don’t. What i know is that i want him. That’s all. Quiet moments in Bangkok, i’d think of him. And wonder if he was thinking of me too. I’d sing along to songs happily, bopping along while waiting for Thai food to settle in my tummy. Until i hear a song play through the speakers, something he once sang to me. And i’d shut up. And look at my fingers and bite my lip. And look away and count to ten and pray that a wave of emotion doesn’t come.
I’d lie down on the bed in the dark wondering what’s my worth. And dream of miracles that could happen then clench down my fists until the nail marks in my palm are blue, to remind myself that it’s not going to happen.
I wonder if we are really that different.
I wonder if all that he ever said about me being the most beautiful girl had vanished. Maybe he finally realized i wasn’t everything he made out to be. Maybe he’s finally seeing me for who i’ve seen for a long time. Until he made it all go away. And until now it’s coming back. But those are just thoughts…nothing bad. Yet? I don’t know. I don’t want to know.
That night i dreamt my father was cheating again. And i woke up realizing how marriages could be relationships held together not by love, but by other things. Kids…money, anything.
Danny. I need to put it down how much i appreciate you being here. I’m not saying being there for me. You say “He was there for me”, like it’s in the past. This…is still current and present. And you’re still here.
After everything you’ve heard me say, every bit of my heart that i’ve poured out/ the things that i can’t put to words, you’ve been nothing but amazing…just listening and giving me honest opinions. Reading what you posted, it’s something i need to keep in my head. I wouldn’t be alive man…if you weren’t here. Everyone’s in Wuhan, but i’m glad that you’re stuck here with me in Sg (& Bkk for the next 5 days!!). We’d never have gotten to be so close.
I’ve figured everything out. Sunday was a booster but today was a ‘Click!’ and i’m done thing. I’ve the sense..and all that jazz to know what i need/deserve, and what to do to get to it. It’s just the fickle part of me that WILL get in the way but damn it, i can hold my own!! I’ve held up fine through the rough parts of the last few years and i damn well can handle this. Just need to get out of the ‘Will anyone else…like me?’ phase. Need to be less insecure and know that one day someone’s going to want to know more. A part that only a few have known and understood me for me.
And that someone WILL know what he loves about me. And maybe even tell me that i’m special. Different. And he will love me for the way i look at things, and notice the way i do things. Knock down the walls i put up to shut everyone out, and to tell me honestly that he’d take care of me. No more defences.
Someone once told me, “You have to learn to trust me”. Simple, but so heartwrenching.
I think everyone will sober up and realize at some point in their lives, that they’re actually worth something. That there’s a part of them that’s admirable even. And the thing that they really need maybe, is for someone special to notice that. And tell them straight up, how much they fell in love with that portion of them.
I can’t deny that things could happen again. People do change. And everyone thinks so too. But i honestly can say, without a tear in my eye that the way things have become…i’ve to stop wanting things i can’t get. I’ve to start learning to love myself enough, to hopefully get an equal portion of what i deserve. I’ve to stop dragging myself down by giving and giving, and hoping i’d get a little something in return.
The fact is that things have changed, they will not be the same for now. I don’t know about the future and there’s no use thinking about it. If anything happens next time, i’ll deal with it next time. Some things fall apart so better things can fall together.
I have goals, and i’ve set myself to it. I have dreams that…believe it or not, can actually be realized. I’m doing okay. Not incredible, but i know i’m doing okay and i know i have the drive to get to where i want to be. I’m finally getting my grades right again…and damn does it feel good! It’s great coming to a point where i don’t hate my parents, and actually want to spend some time with them, to talk about my dreams and how i hope to get there. Getting an opinion, getting support. Realizing in what ways i can show i’m not taking the money they’ve invested in me for granted, maturing and proving to them what i’m worth. I don’t want to disappoint myself, and lucky for me…everything that i’ve done or set out to accomplish that, matches up to not disappointing them too.
I’m exhausted from being this happy. Need to book my flight in the morning. Need to get to the gym. Need to work. Need to change money. Need to EVERYTHING, and i’m flying off 7am on Friday morning. This was such a surprise…that my mom agreed to it, and my grandma told my dad to let me go???!?!?!?!?
Told my boss and he was like OH so do you want to get your pay like now!!! & i’m like okay!!!!!!!!!!!! Amazing. So stoked about it. Can’t wait to get up at 4am to get to the airport. Everything’s gna be so rad!!
It's tough to have up and down days. Usually it's up. A whole string of ups. Then there will be that one particular day when i wake up and instantly i know. I just...know, Today's not gonna be good at all. I need someone to remind me i'm worth something.
If within that twenty minutes, maybe more, you had moments where you missed us. It’s because while we were laughing, knees touching, and i kept chatting on about different things. The VMAs one second, and a pretty dress the next…i was looking elsewhere, but i could feel you looking at me. Looking at me as if to see if every laugh was honest, as if you were a little surprised that i was “okay”. Looking at me and in a way…missing us.
But i could be wrong. I could be hallucinating or over-thinking things. I always do.
" Love is the hardest thing in the world to write about. It’s so simple. You’ve got to catch it through details. Like the early morning sunlight hitting the grey tin of the rainspout in front of her house. The ring of the telephone that sounds like Beethoven’s Pastorale. A letter scribbled on her office stationary that you carry around in your pocket because it smells like all the lilacs in Ohio. "